Siri, seriously?Posted: October 16, 2012
DISCLAIMER: This post is just for fun and contains no content of any redeeming value. On the flip side, no animals were harmed in the making of this post and surely that should account for something.
I have a love-hate relationship with my iPhone. Honestly, I don’t get it. I love, love, LOVE my iPad. That I get. But the iPhone? Not so much. It’s very hard to type on – the letter buttons are so small. It’s incredibly difficult to read anything you google on Safari without blowing up the text and then you have to finger the screen back and forth to read every sentence. Annoying. And then there’s Siri. God, I hate her. Worse than the GPS gal who is totally plotting against me, sending me off on wild goose chases into dangerous neighborhoods. In fact, I’m pretty sure Siri and the GPS gal are in cahoots. But then that’s a whole different plunge down a delusional rabbit hole that we can circumvent for the moment.
Stan has the iPhone 4 not the 4S. He doesn’t have Siri. He has a strong attraction to virtual women so he’s totally jealous I have her and he doesn’t. We went through the same thing with the GPS gal. Seriously, he has issues.
But he doesn’t know Siri. He doesn’t know what an intrusive, passive-agressive bi-otch she can be. For example, she interrupts me all the time. To summon her, you’re supposed to hold down the home button until you hear 2 beeps. But Siri butts in when my fingers are nowhere near home and I simply lift the phone to my ear. I’ll be trying to navigate a series of voice prompts and she’s all like “How can I help you?”
You can help me by minding your own dang business!!
Then, when I tell her to “go away”, she says all hurt-like, “I hope we can still be friends.” Don’t count on it, girlie.
Yesterday, she totally made me look like a liar to Stan.
[Me] I hate Siri. And the people at Apple should be fined for false advertising. You know that commercial where that New Girl actress is walking around in her jammies talking to Siri and she says “Let’s have tomato soup” and Siri finds a restaurant that will deliver it? Doesn’t happen. Complete exaggeration of her capabilities.
[Stan] Really? Let’s see. (He picks up my iPhone and I tell him how to access her.) What’s up, Siri.
[Siri] Hey there. (Can you believe the flirting? Completely inappropriate.)
[Stan] I’m feeling like some tomato soup.
[Siri] I’m sorry, I couldn’t find a single restaurant near you whose menu mentions tomato soup.
[Stan] (Raising an eyebrow) Perhaps you’re a little tough on her?
[Me] She never responds to me that way.
[Stan] (Rolls eyes.)
[Siri] Maybe this will help. (Displays web page.)
[Stan] I like her. I don’t know what your problem is. Perhaps user error? (To Siri) Why is Terri such a goober?
[Siri] Let me check on that. . . Would you like me to search the web for “why is Terri such a goober”?
[Siri] I thought so. (See? B-I-O-T-C-H!)
Needless to say, she found nothing. My virtual reputation is completely spotless. She never even returned for final comment. She just disappeared back into cyberspace. Probably had the GPS gal on the other line. Talking smack about me. God, I hate her.