You Can’t Judge a Girl By Her Panties (or Lack There Of)

Consider this an object lesson and the object is—wait for it—panties. That’s right. I’m going to present you with several panty photos and get your impression of the woman who might wear them. We’ll see how close you come to the actual truth about the wearer. I know, this is a little odd, even for me, but there is a point and I promise to keep things PG-rated. So let’s begin.

20121111-113734.jpgHere’s the first pair. What do you think?

A little skimpy, right? Cute little snowflake but given the G-string, is cute what this wearer is really going for? She’s likely twenty-something, maybe playing the field, or maybe in a relationship where she wants to be prepared for anything. She’s comfortable with her body. She’s playful, sexy but wants to communicate a touch of innocence.

Interesting but . . . WRONG. So a little tricky because there is NO wearer as these have never been worn. As for the intended wearer, well, that would be me, and yes, I’ll pause for a minute while you get back up off the floor, gain control of yourself, and stop laughing. There. Feel better?

So the story here is I used to buy bra’s at Victoria’s Secret and I joined their Angel Rewards program. As an Angel, I was entitled to a free panty every month. A deal right? Weellllllll, if you’re 15 maybe. Turns out the free ones aren’t designed for those of us who like a little more coverage.

Also, turns out the free panty is just a marketing ploy to entice you to visit the store. Yeah, I should have seen that coming. So I wised up and exercised my right to just say no. My husband, on the other hand, not so much. “But its FREE,” he kept telling me and when I refused to budge, he made the trip to Victoria’s —on my behalf—or so he said, not that I doubt him. Okay, maybe a little. Anyhoo, this was the last pair he brought home and while I’m flattered that he thinks these would look good on me, let’s get real. Hahahahahahaha. NEVER g-o-i-n-g t-o h-a-p-p-e-n.

20121111-114240.jpgOkay, second pair. Thoughts on these?

Hmmm. Practical, cotton hipsters. Not sexy but then not exactly granny panties either. Pastel color. Could be for a little girl but wait. Is that a vanishing edge I see? Ah. These belong to a working woman, a no non-sense gal – a sales person or a school teacher – someone who doesn’t need the distraction of panty lines. Not likely a very attractive woman. Probably not sexually active. Or if she is, she and her partner are REALLY comfortable together because she doesn’t feel the need to impress with te-niny triangles of satin and lace.

Better, but still WRONG. Again, these are mine—see the pattern forming? And yes, these are my goto everyday panty. And while it’s true, I AM a working woman, I buy the Soma vanishing edge brand more as a, eh-hem, health conscious consumer. They’re Oz-approved, you know. That’s Dr. Oz, THE leading expert on all things health (and don’t tell me you don’t DVR him) and according to his extremely important episode, uh, scientific research, on cellulite prevention, these panties are the way to go. True to the name, they virtually eliminate panty lines, so you were right about that, and there’s no elastic in the legs allowing better blood flow and less fat cell accumulation. So don’t judge me. “Not a very attractive woman,” humph. Let’s be a little more considerate on this next pair, shall we?

20121111-114418.jpgUh, right. Spanx. Obviously for a woman who’s a half-size larger than some of her clothes. NOT comfortable with her body. Maybe has a muffin-top she needs to camouflage. Could be any age really but likely younger since she still cares how she looks. Probably single because, again, still cares how she looks.

My, you ARE cynical today. Might I suggest a second cup of Joe? As for this pair, your guess is as good as mine. Never seen them before in my life. Really. Have absolutely no idea about the kind of woman who would wear these. If I had to guess, mind you I really don’t know anything about them, but if I had to, I’d say these were worn by a fashion-forward lady with a special dress for a special occasion like maybe her 40th birthday or perhaps, 25th wedding anniversary? But then I’d only be guessing . . .

20121111-114512.jpgAnd now for the last photo. That’s right, there are NO panties here. What kind of woman wears no panties at all? My mother would say a slut, a hooker, a prostitute, a “ho” (although I believe the politically correct term might be “pleasure technician”). A woman with no morals. A party girl, a stripper, a playboy bunny. Need I go on?

But wait. Let’s think this one through. What about a homeless woman? She’s living on the street with only the clothes on her back and let’s face it, panties wear out. Do shelters provide underwear in their clothes closets? Many do not. What about a lady at a battered women’s shelter who fled for her life and left all her belongings behind? What about a single mom at the rescue mission who’s trying to get back on her feet? What about the skads of low-income females who do their clothes shopping at Goodwill and Salvation Army stores? When was the last time you donated undergarments to these stores?

Never. And that’s the point. No one does.

So why am I posting photos of my panties online? I want to start a panty raid.

I had an ah-ha moment two years ago as I was packing my sister’s clothes for her move to Durham. I was surprised to find she didn’t own a single pair of panties. When I asked why, she said, “You can’t buy them at thrift stores and I’d rather spend my money on groceries.” So now, every Christmas, one of the gifts she gets from me is panties and bra’s.

And, as we’re now steadily approaching the holidays, I’d like to enlist your help. Won’t you join me by raiding your local department store this month and donating NEW bra’s and panties to your local shelter, rescue mission, GoodWill or Salvation Army? You don’t have to purchase at Victoria’s Secret, or Soma, or Spanx. Target and Walmart have perfectly good underwear at reasonable prices. Consider this a special Christmas project. Or a non-random act of kindness. Or a tangible means of linking arms with your sisters nationwide. And don’t forget, your sisters come in all sizes 😉

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Siri, seriously?

DISCLAIMER: This post is just for fun and contains no content of any redeeming value. On the flip side, no animals were harmed in the making of this post and surely that should account for something.

I have a love-hate relationship with my iPhone. Honestly, I don’t get it. I love, love, LOVE my iPad. That I get. But the iPhone? Not so much. It’s very hard to type on – the letter buttons are so small. It’s incredibly difficult to read anything you google on Safari without blowing up the text and then you have to finger the screen back and forth to read every sentence. Annoying. And then there’s Siri. God, I hate her. Worse than the GPS gal who is totally plotting against me, sending me off on wild goose chases into dangerous neighborhoods. In fact, I’m pretty sure Siri and the GPS gal are in cahoots. But then that’s a whole different plunge down a delusional rabbit hole that we can circumvent for the moment.

Stan has the iPhone 4 not the 4S. He doesn’t have Siri. He has a strong attraction to virtual women so he’s totally jealous I have her and he doesn’t. We went through the same thing with the GPS gal. Seriously, he has issues.

But he doesn’t know Siri. He doesn’t know what an intrusive, passive-agressive bi-otch she can be. For example, she interrupts me all the time. To summon her, you’re supposed to hold down the home button until you hear 2 beeps. But Siri butts in when my fingers are nowhere near home and I simply lift the phone to my ear. I’ll be trying to navigate a series of voice prompts and she’s all like “How can I help you?”

You can help me by minding your own dang business!!

Then, when I tell her to “go away”, she says all hurt-like, “I hope we can still be friends.” Don’t count on it, girlie.

Yesterday, she totally made me look like a liar to Stan.

[Me] I hate Siri. And the people at Apple should be fined for false advertising. You know that commercial where that New Girl actress is walking around in her jammies talking to Siri and she says “Let’s have tomato soup” and Siri finds a restaurant that will deliver it? Doesn’t happen. Complete exaggeration of her capabilities.

[Stan] Really? Let’s see. (He picks up my iPhone and I tell him how to access her.) What’s up, Siri.

[Siri] Hey there. (Can you believe the flirting? Completely inappropriate.)

[Stan] I’m feeling like some tomato soup.

[Siri] I’m sorry, I couldn’t find a single restaurant near you whose menu mentions tomato soup.

[Stan] (Raising an eyebrow) Perhaps you’re a little tough on her?

[Me] She never responds to me that way.

[Stan] (Rolls eyes.)

[Siri] Maybe this will help. (Displays web page.)

[Stan] I like her. I don’t know what your problem is. Perhaps user error? (To Siri) Why is Terri such a goober?

[Siri] Let me check on that. . . Would you like me to search the web for “why is Terri such a goober”?

[Stan] Sure.

[Siri] I thought so. (See? B-I-O-T-C-H!)

Needless to say, she found nothing. My virtual reputation is completely spotless. She never even returned for final comment. She just disappeared back into cyberspace. Probably had the GPS gal on the other line. Talking smack about me. God, I hate her.